12/28/2023 0 Comments I believe in learning on the job meme![]() ![]() Of course, the child may feel really pleased to hear this positive evaluation of their efforts. If this is the case, then of whom is the parent really proud? Is the child’s achievement actually a reflection of their parent’s achievement? The parent might have paid a lot of money, or given up time, to coach and practice tennis with their winning child. True - the parent might have spent hours helping the child get their homework done – or even completing the child’s assignment. How might you feel as the child? Might you quietly ask yourself ‘Who was it that put in the hard hours to get a good report? Who put in the practice in order to win that tennis match? Why are you taking the credit for my effort?’ (I'd prefer "Congratulations! You must be so proud of how you're doing!") Parent: "I’m proud that you got all A’s in your school report/won that tennis trophy" While you might understand that your partner is being supportive, might you also feel a bit miffed? Is your partner proud because they can now be associated with a high achiever? (I'd prefer "Congratulations! You worked so hard, you really deserve that job!")įriend: "I'm proud of you for being brave and standing up to your boss"Īs the friend who has found that courage, is this statement something you would appreciate? (I'd prefer "Wow, that must have taken some thought and courage!") Partner: "I'm proud of you for landing that job" ![]() Didn’t your manager think you were capable of putting such a report together? (I'd prefer "I'm really impressed with report - I can see how much effort you put in, and it's going to be helpful for the organisation".) Why is your manager taking credit for the work you put into the report? You could also feel patronised. After all, you were the one who put the effort into writing the report – you did the research, you put the paper together. How might you feel as the worker? You could feel annoyed and put out. Manager: "I’m proud of the report you’ve written". Let’s look at some examples (followed by some suggested alternatives) – adult first, then child, to help illustrate this point: So - when a parent says, "I’m so proud of you", is the parent taking the credit for the child’s accomplishments? The key words (for this discussion) are ‘creditable to oneself’. Who ‘owns’ the achievement? (our pride is generally around an achievement).Ī Macquarie Dictionary definition of ‘proud’ is: ‘feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something conceived as highly honourable or creditable to oneself’. Had I ever thought about the meaning behind these words? What would replace this oh-so-common parenting expression? And why should I stop using this phrase? Three reasons I avoid saying “I’m proud of you”. For me, this was a huge take-away moment. Some years ago I attended a parenting seminar, where the speaker incidentally mentioned avoiding the phrase "I’m proud of you". However – what messages might our children actually hear? What do they perceive - when a parent (or teacher) says "I’m proud of you"? "I’m proud of you!" How often do we utter this common parenting phrase, in moments of pleasure at our child’s latest achievement? With the best of intentions, we want to let our children know of our pride in them.
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